Owning My Shadow and My Light
After a long time, I am not confused. I feel lit up and fully alive with my work.
Rachelle Embrey, a mentor of mine, invited me to own my presence in this world and in my work. When she did, I heard my desires speak clearly for the first time, and I heard YES!
My desires are simple and profound, with the freedom to share all of the shadows that have lived within me. The parts of me that were so often seen as wrong, or met with that “all too familiar feeling,” of being misunderstood. I came into this world to do the hard work, the work inside the darkness. The darkness most people shut out and refuse to look at.
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No matter what schooling I found myself in, the call to go into the dark always found me. When I resisted, I did so to make others comfortable, to feel safe and to find permission to stay in the room. To avoid judgment.
For the last ten years, I struggled to understand why I couldn’t fully step into my authenticity, my true zone of genius. This weight has lived with me my entire life, especially as the girl who went back to school to do this work. That girl barely made it through. My mother was dying when I graduated, and I had no desire to sit in the therapist’s chair.
I held questions with no answer.
And here I am, still that same girl. Only now, I am filled with a burning desire to step up, step in, and become the woman I was always called to be.
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For a long time, I thought I had all the answers, but I kept trying to conform to the people around me. Eventually, I followed my passions, one of them being astrology. In 2018, I formally began my studies, though I’d been an astrology lover since my teens. I even planned my children’s astrological sun signs. Yes true story.
One of my shadows was the one that always had me ashamed of my excessive tears that I held since childhood. There was not one person who seemed capable of holding them with me without questioning my wellbeing. But I always beat myself up more than they did, well at least my shadow self did.
When I tried to unpack and process I would be invited to reframe it, to ignore it, leaving me frustrated and misunderstood. The astrology was the one piece that gave me my truth of why I was emotional, why I went into the underworld to over heal as many would call it. These were the fragments helping piece me together, but even with those insights, something in my heart still felt unfinished. To me astrology was my fun, my joy, and doing charts felt like work.
In truth I was in pain as there was not one person who understood how I was feeling, and yet, neither did I. Why was I not satisfied? There was always this voice, whispering this isn’t it!
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Were these hints for me to go in and do shadow work, absolutely!
I was still listening to the darkness, the parts that everyone was avoiding because nobody wanted to know it, or feel it.
I was still listening to the opinions that there is no room for the dark work, the shadow work, everyone needs light.
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The shadow is the parts of ourselves that is waiting to be transformed. To me it is the best part as this is where more light will come in, where we are meant to grow from. Our Soul came in to do this work and the world has been resisting.
We came into this world not just to breathe, eat, and procreate. We came in with a purpose and this purpose is transformation. Our Soul signed up to reveal some pretty amazing gifts hidden within each of us. Oh sure, some gifts will be obvious but there are those really special gifts your soul chose to transform and this is where your your core of who you are waits. In order to uncover those gifts, we must first face our shadows.
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The Shadow, the person in the mirror that one day wakes up asking.…
“When did I get here?”
“Why this family, I don’t fit in?”
“Can I survive in this?”
“Will they even like me?”
“Do I have what it takes?”
“Do I even love them anymore?”
“What if I disappeared?”
“Would they miss me?”
Or the voice looking back at you saying….
“You have no clue what you are doing.”
“You babble, so what can you offer.”
“You will never be invited.”
“You’re not safe.”
“You’re too much."
“You don’t fit in.”
"You’re not worthy of being in the same room.”
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This is where shadow work becomes important. Words of affirmation can only bring light for a season and then the shadow waits for the weakness to return. It could be a trigger as simple as a cold hug that reminds you of a family member. It could be someone judging you for something you are not. It could be those extra drinks at dinner the night before, or the virus that is going around. When your shadow sees there is an opening, it is as if you sent the invitation sealed with a kiss. You look in that mirror at bedtime and they are laying beside you all night.
Shadow archetypes represent the unconscious, darker, or repressed parts of our personality. They represent our fears, desires, and flaws that we often deny. They often were formed in our childhood years presenting as over sensitive, victim mentality, the loner, or the bully. The list goes on.
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My desired work was always birthed through the dark that I found in my life stories, my ancestry, and my soul’s truth. I went searching for answers, only to discover that the distractions didn’t always work for me. In distractions I mean the ‘Love and Light’ found on our spiritual journey, in books, reiki rooms, retreats, courses, and so on.
I placed myself in spiritual rooms all over the world, searching for answers, and instead they only magnified my mother wound, one day transformed into the sister wound. When you follow a spiritual journey you will find these feminine wounds surface a lot. Soon they were surfacing in my friendships and became very triggering. The triggers for me were reflecting my own sister wounds from my own family many times.
When you lean in to do the spiritual work, you grow spiritually and quite often you may be the only one in the room doing this work. When this happens your shadow can become much stronger and you are left battling for the light.
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After all of this exploration for more growth I opened up a metaphysical shoppe to bring the spiritual woo to my new community I moved to. Another distraction, another shadow.
And then a shadow much greater than me fell over the world. From 2020 to 2022, darkness held us all in place. I played the role of survivor until I couldn’t. I hung out in zoom rooms looking for connection. I became estranged from my family for a lot of that time, and more painfully, I became estranged from myself.
The world I thought I belonged in was revealing a deep discomfort to my heart and to my soul.
I poured into more studies, explored the underworld through ayahuasca, and was convinced there had to be answers to how I landed at this juncture of my life.
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I was the girl labelled the ‘too much sister, the too much friend’ and I cried a lot. For the longest time I was ashamed of those tears as not one person in my life accepted them without questioning my wellbeing. It was confusing to me as I was also the one always looking to the light and believing in the world through my rose coloured glasses.
Again, I returned to school, this time for clinical and spiritual hypnosis.
Again, I felt disconnected.
Authenticity wouldn’t land.
Clarity stayed just out of reach.
Misfit Island became familiar territory.
I continued with my inner work even though the outer world was closing in on me. However like astrology, I found my golden nugget. I found my passion in the underworld of past life, soul work and the Akashic.
There was more being revealed in my story as to what my soul came into this world to do.
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Loss followed loss.
Friendships faded.
Patterns were pointed out.
I was rising in education and getting lost in my career.
When friends no longer understand you, you know something has shifted beyond repair. Still, I couldn’t settle. I refused a joyless life. In my life I was a banker, and became a realtor, all because others thought I would be great at it. They were right and I loved them both, until I didn’t.
After a lifetime of trauma, darkness, and living in landscapes chosen by others, I was done. I was exhausted by false relationships, judgment, and masks. I knew something inside me was still waiting to be seen.
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In 2022, my body mirrored my inner collapse. I tore my Achilles and ATFL while traveling west for more inner work. There it was, my shadow came in to support me. She at first whispered I was lost, confused, and now I was broken, literally.
My shadow then chimed in saying, “Let’s go home and hide some more, I want to keep you to myself.”
This time period was when the biggest growth came in. I was losing important friendships, new and old. It became easy to walk away as I was accustomed to the protection mode, just as I was taught. Cracks were revealed, hidden heartbreaks, and walking away was easier than defending my entire existence. I wore their labels, and dimmed my light.
Life in my world has always been lived inside my heart and back there, outside of me, I was feeling the cold, I was losing myself even more. I couldn’t continue the way it was. I couldn’t become what they thought I was. I knew there was something stirring deep inside, that someone was waiting to rise.
I was that girl in the mirror who believed there was light in all of my darkness but I couldn’t get out of there. My shadow self got stronger and I was losing myself even more.
What I came to learn, was that our shadow appears to be our protector and also our excuse. I knew something had to give and that I was the only one who could save me.
By then the sister wound was surfacing, again and again. In friendships. In spiritual spaces. In mirrors I could no longer ignore.
I began working deeply with goddess energy, especially Kali.
She was….
Fierce.
Familiar.
Transformative.
She revealed truths I could no longer avoid.
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The many stories do not need to be shared in a blog but the truth does. I have been through the deepest parts with my soul and I have found my comfort in the underworld. My comfort comes from the ruling planet of my natal chart, ‘Pluto’ and here in 2026 he is activated in ways that only feels supportive. Pluto is the Lord of the Underworld, the planet of personal transformation, empowerment, and the release of old patterns. Pluto is the shadow work we all need and we all must own. When you embrace the work of Pluto you will embrace a new life. He is the ‘destroyer and the creator’ and he demands evolution.
One day you may hear or get small glimpses of what my underworld consisted of, but today its about my connection to the darkness and to the light. I need them both and yet so many only want the light. You will never understand the light fully without understanding the dark.
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In 2024, I moved to PEI, directly onto my Neptune line. She represents our spiritual growth, high creativity, deep rest, illusions, dreams, escapism and truth. I did this all through my second Saturn Return. I share this because I also use astrology in the shadow work I offer.
Many questioned my move. They thought I was running away and making a big mistake. Was this my sense of escapism? Did Neptune call me here? Did Saturn guide me to my true self, in order to find my authenticity? Through my work I realize Neptune and Saturn came with me to support me in the discovery of ME.
I was yes running, but from a life I no longer could squeeze myself into. My friendships were falling away and some were lifetime friendships, crushing losses. But I was changing, for many I was unrecognizable and maybe just too much. I often sit back in wonder, was I triggering something in them as well?
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I have been on the Island now for almost 2 years and my experience has been gobsmacking or shall I say “GODsmacking.”
The thing I have learned about big moves, everything follows you. All of my heartaches, heartbreaks, and deep inner work came with me. Some of the pain came from the friends who disappeared fully out of my life, ones that never returned my calls, and the ones who no longer matched me. The other heartaches were the ones new to my world but were the same in my old world. They wore different faces, different masks, but a lot of the same energies or feelings. Many who have formed the same ideas of who I was or who they needed me to be.
And yet… I was finally meeting myself.
The biggest heartache was me leaving the only world I knew. I retired from a 36 year real estate career, left the loves of my life (my adult children), family, friendships and any form of the girl I once was. It felt like my roots were dissolving.
Apparently it isn’t so easy to explain or understand. Again, I have been asked about my well being because I walk with the shadow and light simultaneously. Oh yes, I cry! My tears are my breathing and when I speak my truth, you know it is true. Why? Because there are tears involved.
I have been living this human experience since I was a toddler. I have walked in the dark and I will always choose the light to come in. This is my sweet spot and I have been asking Spirit to bring me my clarity since I was young. Instead of hiding from what was given me, I have gone even deeper to create my craft box. I am able to safely walk with others through their shadows and bring transformation in, with their light.
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In 2025 I started showing up on the Island with various events in order to share all of my modalities. I met wonderful wo/men, both clients, co-facilitators and teachers. I found mirrors and triggers, as well as became a mirror and trigger.
I once again have been given labels and identified with assumptions. This is when it hit me, this is my work. I turned these experiences into gifts by recognizing them as hard core lessons, and answers to my whole existence.
The true gift of moving to the Island was the opportunity to battle my shadows that originally came through in my life. This is me living on my Neptune line and this is my work. My work consists of holding space for the vulnerable and so vulnerability is a part of my identity.
I mirror to those the parts of themselves they are resisting to understand or embrace.
I live for the shadow work and the foundation of it is ‘self honesty, self exploration and self responsibility.’ I can’t be sharing this work if I am not willing to sit through it myself. In truth this has always been my work and I hid it. I hid from it in fear of how I was being seen or who I would get backlash from.
It took me moving to PEI to fully experience the spiritual lessons I had on a repeat wash cycle in my life. I had to come to a place that nobody knew my name so I could see the theme of what kept holding me back, the piece that kept me shrinking inside myself. I needed to remove the emotions and all the familiar faces.
Upon my arrival on PEI I also started studying the teachings and ancient wisdom of Kabbalah. This was the work that matched my truth and I began to understand my why of who I am, my purpose, and my soul’s blueprint. So much was beginning to make sense for me.
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Returning from the holidays, crossing the bridge back home, I vowed “No more hiding, not in the dark, and not in the light.”
Last week I heard, “Own Your Shadow” and I knew.
I felt an integration of my soul, my mind, and my heart. I realized the discomfort is what held me back. It wasn’t always my discomfort, it was the discomfort within the collective.
The discomfort on a spiritual journey is where we are meant to go and for some reason I had to move across the country to get the final piece.
On a final note I wish to share that it is difficult coming in to a world of strangers while battling to become the one you are meant to be. PEI you helped me heal leaving my children and the only life I knew. Even though you didn’t recognize the hurt, or my heart, I’m looking forward to getting to know you even more.
I am only going to be Authentically Me and so I will trust the ones with a heart like mine, will always be able to find me.
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As I step into 2026, I claim what this is “Shadow Weaving.”
Through Astrology, Gene Keys, Past Life Work, Soul Transformation, Kabbalistic Teachings, and 9D Breathwork, I invite you into my world, my joy.
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If you’re curious—or unsure what shadow work truly is—I’m holding a free 3-day masterclass
🖤 February 17th to the 19th | via Zoom
Your shadow is waiting
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With Love and Grace
Patrice, your Shadow Weaver
oX
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Founder of Odyssey Lighthouse