Faith, Shadow, & My Becoming

My Love Story With God

Here I am, 61 years old, and I still have that relationship with Spirit, the Creator.

If you’re in my outer circle, you might not know I am a believer. My inner circle always knows. This has been the way of me all of my life, playing between the outer edge and the inner edge, the dark hat and the light hat.

I was raised Catholic. I went to Catholic schools, church on Sundays, and the rituals of childhood faith. But while my parents never came with us to church, my siblings and I were sent.

My memories are patchy but the ones I do carry, are special. As children midnight mass on Christmas Eve was a gift in itself. To this day, I still feel the ache inside of me to be there. I still feel the connection with family, with God.

So let me clarify my life in some way. Being spiritual and a believer in God, doesn’t change who I am. I am not a bible pusher, so most of my friends growing up and into my adult years didn’t see this side of me very often. But I was and am a devote believer in the higher power. I have been praying my entire life.

As a young girl, I always had this kind of special relationship with  my unseen higher power, and often asked why my heart felt him differently. I felt him deeply inside my heart and didn’t quite understand why on the outside there was so much dark with only small glimpses of light.

The opportunities were plenty to watch my favourite show at Christmas, The Little Drummer Boy. On most holidays we got to watch as a family, The King of Kings, The Ten Commandments, and Ben Hur. You name it we were together learning the history as told by parts of the Bible and Hollywood in our front room.

I went to an all girls Catholic high school until the opportunity presented itself. Then I quit. I found myself in a co-ed school, no religious studies and a world where structure never quite formed.

It would be years later that I looked back asking God, why did I choose to do that? More so, why did you let me?

As a teenager I was a track girl, roller skater, cheerleader, and a party girl. That was the version of me most people got to know. They didn’t know I was also the girl who prayed every single night, who crossed herself when she drove past dead animals, firetrucks, ambulances, as well as cemeteries.

I still do.

Eventually I started doing it in my head or sneakily pretended to scratch my face. Humiliation didn’t fair well with me and it was easier to just hide.

Most of my friends from those years had no clue.

In the 8th grade, I was an altar girl with the opportunity to have my feet washed on Holy Thursday, and walk the stations of the cross on Christmas. Walking the stations of the cross holds a different meaning for me, as I reflect on what my life felt like then as opposed to now. 

Back then my relationship with God held no confusion or reason to hide. 

This last decade I didn’t know how to bring my heart back out, the one that wanted to share the light of the Creator and fight for the belief that unconditional love does exist. He shares it for all of us.

I have felt like the Christmas story of ‘Yes Virginia, there is a Santa Claus.’

I have been this fairytale girl my entire life and God lived in my fairytales.

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My Namesake Gave Me My Answer

My father’s oldest sister was a Catholic Nun for some years and even though her vocation eventually took her out of the convent, she lived in service to God for much of her life. She had told my parents that if she were to have had a child she would have liked to name her Patrice and so I became Patrice Joan, after my Aunt Joan. 

Imagine my surprise when I learned in my studies with the Kabbalah that a namesake shares a special key to ones soul. This is one of the reasons many name their children after Saints. The belief is said that when you name someone after a Saint that name will have already gone through the process of their tikkun (soul corrections) and will enter in closer to the light of the Creator. 

In my case, my Aunt was still alive. She had this purity about her that came with a cost of great sacrifice. She lived in a world where she always fell on the sword, at least in my world and my memory. I embody all of my Aunt Joan and I only wish I could go to her now. I am on this path where her insight and wisdom would help guide me to my next chapter. 

My Aunt Joan who always wore the light hat, still slipped on the dark every so often. She had to in our family, and I say this with a giggle. She was filled with grace, unconditional love and she was the closest to my heart I have ever known.

I feel her energy every single day. I wear her emerald ring and smile with her voice in my ear calling out LuLu. My Aunt passed back in 2019 and what I wouldn’t give to ask her if she knew my heart was like hers. I am certain she did, because there are a few things she has said to me and gifted me that told me she knew.

I carry her name, and with it, a constant reminder that God knew too.

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It’s Not God’s Label - Why Does He Have To Wear It?

Now here is something I’ve wrestled with for years. When were we taught to fear God?

This is what I hear over and over again. I have no clue where this notion came from because I was never taught to fear him. 

The priests in my church wore hockey jackets, laughed with us and sometimes hung out in the school yard playing ball.

Told to fear God? I never feared him, I loved him.

And yet, I hid that love.

In my 30s and 40s, when I was working in real estate and had clients in the car, I continued hiding the sign of the cross as we drove past cemeteries and deceased animals. Sometimes I was caught and sometimes I wasn’t. It was more worry to see the stares and questions as well as possibly losing a client. I never did and that was just the noise I created in my head at the time. It was easier to hide in fear of the rolling eyes or being laughed at. So instead I convinced myself they may walk away.

I eventually pulled God into the quietness of my inner world. Not because I was ashamed, but because I didn’t want to explain. My inner voice always worrying about what they would think.

In real estate I was wearing a whole different hat. I had already picked up the practice of defending my soft heart to others, as well as the why I felt the world differently. In many views, I was just weird. I grew accustomed to putting my spiritual side away, and soon after my Catholic side.

Eventually I only went to church for weddings and funerals. See me at confession, I was always white as a ghost waiting to faint. I went to the Vatican in 2005 and when the opportunity came to go to confession I was 12 years old all over again. When the confessional box changed from Italian to English I high tailed it out of there.

I cannot walk into a true Catholic Cathedral without bursting into tears, feeling a sense of pure unconditional love.

I was born and raised Catholic. My heart will always be Catholic and yet I choose to not go to church. There are many parts of the church I do not agree with and if I ever get to sit with a priest those thoughts will be shared. One thing about me that I have never hidden, is my ability to not mince words. Just like my Aunt Joan.

In my 20s I took on the archdiocese and archbishop in Toronto when I didn’t agree with the head of the parish I was raised in. Yes I won because I knew the bible and I scanned the part that was needed to be brought before the church. This was the fearing of God they were counting on, and I never feared him.

As I shared, throughout my life I have talked to God out loud, and I pray every night. In my younger years if I was partying and had too much to drink I rushed through my prayers. But I still showed up because if I didn’t I wore guilt for it. 

Yes that guilt that has been taught to us over and over again. Happy to say, I no longer carry that seed of guilt. Why?

The Kabbalah and the ancient teachings share a kind God, the Creator that only wants us like the bible says, to be made into the image of him. This is what is called becoming like the light of the Creator, it is becoming like him.

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The Spiritual Smackdowns 

Fast forward to me living on the Island and I have been having spiritual smackdowns, one after another. 

What is a spiritual smackdown you ask?

It is a breaking open with everything you hold inside and your heart just bleeds with all the faith you have been carrying around your entire life. It is a time of deep surrender when you know part of you is questioning God and the other part is saying I am trying my best to trust. You have no clue if you will make it through , and you have no choice but to lean in on your higher power. In my case it is always the Creator. This is the darkness we all fear, and the light we all yearn for during these times. 

Moving to PEI was one of the hardest smackdowns of my life. Trust me when I say, there have been many. 

I miss my kids beyond words. I struggled with being the stranger in a place where everyone knows your name, but wasn’t always open. I curled up many times asking God if I had made a mistake.

It was the battle of the dark hat and the light hat all over again.

And yet, even here, even in my loneliness, God shows up.

Moving here to PEI has been a breaking open in ways I never imagined. I am always that leaf in the wind and always ready to take on the world. This has been a whole new world.

This experience? Well, it has been the most painful re entry into a new world. One that not many know who I am. 

I have suffered missing my kids beyond words. Their life, I knew I had to hand back to God and their own higher power. I couldn’t be my Mom sitting around, hoping to grab a glimpse of them when they stopped living their own life. 

Without going into stories, believe me when I say I couldn’t have done it without God. This does not even scratch the surface because moving to a small Island that has been cocooned from the rest of Canada is not easy. 

Don’t get me wrong, they are loving, welcoming and friendly. But for me, in truth, Islanders are family amongst themselves and newcomers are not family.

Spiritual smackdowns were rolling in and I was many times curled up asking God if I made a mistake.

I have made many and what I have learned, there are no such things as mistakes. They are the Creators way of showing us that we have free will and with that, comes opportunity for growth.

My heart is my gift, and my relationship with God has never failed me. Along my path and at every fork in the road, I pop in to talk to him, where I know he will always be. 

I have holy water at my front door and he is my most trusted confident. When I was deciding to move to PEI I found myself in a Catholic Church in Mill River and even that was an adventure. 

What I have learned, is that God is always there. Just not the way we expect him to be. He is waiting for us to see him and he will only come in through the light because our purpose in life is to receive his light. 

Yes he is there in the darkness but he is rooting for us to choose light. We have the vessel he gave us when we were born, and all we have to do is prepare it. In the darkness it’s true, ‘it is then that I am carrying you’ he says.

Through every fork in the road, every heartbreak, every move, he is there. Sometimes in the silence because as I shared, we have free will and he is letting us choose our way.

My move to PEI has brought me the biggest opportunity to choose just that.

In my move came, what I accept, many spiritual smackdowns.

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Kabbalah: The Map I Was Waiting For

At the beginning of this year, I began studying Kabbalah—specifically the Tree of Life.

I have known for almost 15 years I want to bring out my work around my connection with the Creator. I went to a private college for Psychotherapy so I could study under the umbrella of Spiritual Psychotherapy.

I remember a retreat at Kripalu with Gabby Bernstein, she asked me what it is I would like to share with the world and my answer was the unconditional love that God has given me and I joked “but I’m no Marianne Williamson.”

Gabby said I was and I must share my heart for the world to see it just the way I feel it. That was back in 2018.  

I remember another mentor of mine saying “F@ck The How”, and the Kabbalah I believe is my how.

For me, it was the missing piece.

I have been weaving astrology, human design, gene keys, past life healing, akashic records, and soul retrieval into this work. My truth and my life’s work, is to share the journey of our soul. All of the answers are woven into the fabric of our soul, our blueprint. 

Kabbalah gave me the framework that tied it all together. It showed me that I don’t have to choose between my two hats—the light and the dark. Both are part of the soul’s unfolding. Both are necessary for balance.

Once I started going deeper into the Kabbalah I also found myself back in the gene keys. This is my incarnation cross and although I have been contemplating it for 4 years it all fell into place. 

The power of our spiritual work comes in when we are fully aligned, and not during the spiritual smackdowns. I needed to surrender and every puzzle piece found their place within my blueprint.

Now, I finally understand how.

The Tree of Life is a map of creation and of the human soul’s journey. Kabbalah isn’t a religion, and yet it is the backbone of many religions. It is a universal, ancient, and spiritual wisdom that teaches us why our souls come into this world and how to expand our vessel to receive the Light of the Creator. This is how we reach fulfillment. This is our true purpose of being here on earth.

I have always said I held the map and now I carry the codes.

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Where I Am Now

Back in July I had a coffee date with a new friend. As we got to know each other I heard her say it, knowing she was right. Then I heard another say it, and then another. As I ruminated, there was no denying it was time to be birthed. 

This was my life’s work being shown to me, and it was guiding me to my purpose. This was being shown to me in ways that only Spirit could do. I was being shown what was meant for me from the moment I was named Patrice Joan.

Before I knew it I was smack dab in the summer and I had visitors coming to PEI. 

My birthday came and my birthday went. I missed my kids but I had my friends. Two weeks later my girlfriend was leaving and I was breaking on the steps of my deck. 

I once again was left with the reality I had to do it all on my own. I was meeting another piece to my long lasting spiritual smackdown and this one carried with it the weight of, “did I make a mistake coming to PEI, yet again?”

Back in Ontario when I went through a spiritual smackdown, where faith was asking me, what it’s going to take to survive. I was at least in the comfort of everyone knowing who I was, and the truth of my heart. Here amongst new people they only see the messy, the girl in battle with her shadow side and the girl who is processing a birthing of a new me. The girl who believes with all her heart that the growth is done in the trenches.

On that day on my deck it hit me, this was the battle of my dark hat and my light hat again.

I spent two weeks playing with friends I have known in my party years, and I showed up the rock star as best I could. When they left I was exhausted. I knew my heart was missing my spiritual practices, my Creator above all else, and again my kids. 

I had to go inward and find my own answers and that took me asking God to help me. 

Although I leaned into my spiritual practices when they were here, I wasn’t able to feel my soul connection once they were gone. My nervous system was contracting, the cobwebs needed clearing out and I was in pain. I doubted my decisions and my children were ready to throw me out with the bath water. 

I opened up finally to one person and needless to say it didn’t go well. I wasn’t in familiar territory and this person had no clue who I was. What I was sharing was just a messy moment in a world that still needed my processing. The shadow work was unpacking and what this person got was a whole lot of, “maybe you need meds, kind of energy.” 

All kidding aside, that was never implied nor joked about. Yet when I came out of my process, I knew what I needed was to find my person, my people. The ones that don’t see me as a stranger and the ones that just see a mother breaking, missing her babies, not able to make sense of anything, let alone a new life. The ones that can see a woman who processed out loud for a minute, just so she could go inward. It is because I hear my heart better when the cobwebs are removed and my process is honoured.

The next day, I was back in my teachings and I was recalibrating.

Yup. Just like that!

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And Then It Hit Me, The Crone Has Arrived

I was no longer the woman on the deck in spiritual battle. I felt a new archetype rising within me, the Crone.

She is the keeper of wisdom, the one who has walked through shadow and light, carrying both with grace. She doesn’t need to perform, explain, or prove herself. She sees through illusion, trusts her intuition, and stands rooted in truth.

The Crone carries the medicine of surrender and the courage to guide others through the passages of their own becoming. She is fierce and tender, grounded and mystical, unapologetically herself.

And on that day, I knew, “She had arrived — In Me.”

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My Next Chapter, My Life’s Work

When I first started studying Kabbalah, I was discovering it was what I was working on since 2008. I am all about the soul and the blueprint we carry with us. From my schooling at TAC (Transformational Arts College) in Toronto, to my studies of astrology, human design and the gene keys. As a hypnotherapist whose primary focus is on past lives, akashic records and soul retrievals - the Kabbalah was giving me my platform, my heart and most of all my how.

I have been so frightened on how I was going to share my work and then the Creator put it in front of me.

Now it is time to get to work and for the first time I realize, I have been putting too much pressure on myself. I have been since I was young. It’s not a matter of which hat am I wanting to wear, it is that I get to wear both hats. It is called balance, the yin and the yang, feminine and masculine, the feeling and doing, and the list goes on. 

While I have been arguing God is not a punishing God, and only wants us to be like him, the Kabbalah would one day come into my life. This was the first time, sense was made to the way I knew God.

I have grown so much since then, and I have grown only through breaking. 

The one thing I have learned and please don’t let this scare you, is that you cannot look into the teachings of the Kabbalah without experiencing the wisdom, fully. The work shows up when you show up.

It is almost like the Ayahuasca journeys I have been on. I have been seeking the answers to my soul’s purpose for years. I am certain I came in seeking all of it.

These teachings have helped me to expand in ways that no other modality could. This is about expanding our Vessel, becoming more like the light of the Creator, and preparing to receive all of the miracles he has been waiting to pour in. 

It is all about the vessel, the miracles, choosing to be like the light and trusting when we aren’t like the light, the only thing that changes is we are delayed and have our tikkuns (our soul corrections), and to work through them just a little bit longer. 

Remember God is not a punishing God, but the work is not always gentle. 

Through this work I am in certainty, this is my Soul’s work.

Kabbalah changed my life and I want to help others embrace the teachings in a language they can understand through the space I am creating, and the tools I am offering.

This isn’t about being a stoic soul guide. This is about me, Patrice Joan… the altar girl, party girl and prayer warrior, a woman who hid her faith for decades, and a woman who now refuses to hide it anymore.

I’m here to share my story because maybe you, too, have worn both hats. Maybe you’ve hidden your passion, or questioned how to stand in it, or felt like you had to choose between your outer self and your inner self. 

You don’t have to choose.

There is a way through and you will find your free will.

And for me, that way is the map of the soul, revealed through not only my toolbox but also through the wisdom of the Kabbalah. All of my work has been guided every step of the way by the Creator who has never left my side. 

This isn’t the end of my story, it’s just the next chapter. And I believe it’s time for me to live it out loud.

If you live on Prince Edward Island I will be facilitating a 3 hour event where you will learn the spiritual practices that got me through all of my spiritual smackdowns, including Kabbalah.

Save the date for Sunday, September 14th, 2025 at 12:30pm.

This is why I know God is always with me. September 14th is my Aunt Joan’s birthday, and all this unfolded naturally.

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With Love and Grace

Patrice aka LuLu

oX

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Founder of Odyssey Lighthouse

Patrice Burns