The Dangerous Comfort of Assuming in Many Types of Relationships

There are times when I awake with a weight on my heart. Not grief, exactly — but that ache that lingers when something once meaningful turns into silence.

I’ve let go of many friendships over the years. Some naturally faded. Some were built on timelines that were never meant to last. But a few have been lost to something far more subtle and dangerous — assumption.

Some friendships, thankfully, are rekindled because there are those that are worth fighting for. Sometimes you just need to open the door before it becomes a wall. 

There was a friendship that surfaced a while back that carried assumptions and that one left a sting.

Nothing happened, at least not outwardly. The last time I saw this friend, it was a lovely visit. We laughed, connected, shared. Then I traveled home for the holidays, and when I returned — it was deep winter, and I was in one of the most emotionally taxing phases of my life. I was in survival mode. Processing heavy things I couldn’t even speak out loud. Protecting both my heart and my peace, in a way.

Being winter I chose to hibernate, and to heal — as so many do.

This friendship was new and I had some inner work to do. I never heard from them either and I carried no assumption except it was winter — but when I tried to reconnect, the response threw me as I read, “You were the one who broke the bridge.”

That hit deep.

Because in truth, I was barely holding myself together. I had been grieving. I had already been rejected before — for sharing too much pain with them. Some people become visibly uncomfortable when I bring my heart out and so I keep it hidden when there are big things. This time, I chose silence. Not to punish, but to protect.

Was that selfish? 

Maybe — but was it cruel? 

No — it was survival.

In truth assuming is a protective mechanism, but it’s rooted in fear — fear of rejection, fear of being vulnerable, and fear of the unknown. It masquerades as certainty, but in truth, it prevents clarity, and connection. It is a bypass of truth, and often, a mirror of our inner wounds. To assume is to project a story from such a wound onto someone else’s silence, action, or presence.

It’s easier to fill in the blanks than sit in uncertainty. But in doing so, we create distance and illusions.

“When we assume, we aren’t actually seeing the other person — we are seeing a past version of ourselves trying to protect us from being hurt again.”

“When we assume, we also make an ass out of you and me, more often than not.”

I have sat on this blog for a month now, adding and taking away until finally today I knew we all needed a reminder as the art of assumption comes up, way too often.

________

The Invisible Wall Between Us

A Shadow That Separates Before We Even Speak

Assuming is one of the most subtle — and most destructive — shadows in relationships.

It slides in silently.

Masquerading as knowing.

Whispering, “I already understand.”

But it’s not truth we’re holding. It’s a wound.

Assumption is an invisible wedge between hearts — one that ends friendships, creates unnecessary conflict, and prevents beautiful things from ever beginning. And the worst part? We usually don’t even realize we’re doing it.

________

Assumption is a Trauma Response Dressed as Certainty

To assume is to bypass the unknown.

It’s a coping mechanism the nervous system uses to protect us from the discomfort of uncertainty.

When we say, “They probably don’t care,”

what we often mean is, “I’m scared they don’t care, and I’d rather end the story here than sit in that ache.”

When we decide, “They must be mad,” what we often mean is, “Their silence reminds me of a time when something or someone disappeared without warning.”

Assumption is the child of fear and memory.

It rarely belongs to the present moment.

________

Why Do We Assume?

Because we want to keep control.

Because we’re afraid of rejection.

Because we’re too familiar with abandonment.

Because our inner child remembers what it felt like to be left — and tries to “solve” the pain before it can happen again.

But in solving the pain prematurely, we often prevent the healing.

Assuming is self-protection — but it’s also self-isolation.

________

The Shadow of Assuming

This is the danger of assuming:

It turns silence into judgment.

It turns seasons into stories.

It turns uncertainty into blame.

This person assumed I had abandoned the friendship.

Assumed I didn’t care. Assumed the bridge broke because I walked away. But never paused to consider that maybe I was just too tender to speak.

And I’ve learned this the hard way — assuming isn’t about what the other person did. It’s a mirror of what we fear is true.

________

When We Don’t Ask, We Assume

And when we assume, we shut down what could have been healed.

Assumption is a shadow in disguise — it wears the mask of certainty but is built on fear. It’s a silent wedge that disconnects hearts before words even have a chance to reach them.

How many soul connections have we lost… not because the heart wasn’t real, but because one of us assumed a story and chose silence?

_______

The Stories We Tell Without Words

How many relationships have unraveled, not because of betrayal, but because of projection?

How many sacred connections have been left in silence, not because the connection wasn’t real — but because we were too afraid to ask?

We assumed.

They assumed.

And the bridge quietly burned, without either person lighting the match.

________

The Masculine, The Feminine & The Wound of Expectation

In the energetic dance between masculine and feminine, we also find assumption. The wounded feminine may withdraw, waiting to be pursued — and silently assume the other doesn’t care. The wounded masculine may expect clarity or directness, and yet assume that silence is a sign of disinterest or disrespect. Perhaps in a masculine-centered world, it is the feminine who is expected to lean in — to nurture, to explain, to pursue peace.  But real connection doesn’t live in polarity. It lives in relating, in co-regulation, in curiosity, and in emotional maturity. When either side assumes instead of asking, the thread frays.

_______

Who is responsible for holding relationships together?

Why is it that in many dynamics, one person is expected to carry the weight of the connection? But this is not balanced relating. True friendship, true connection — asks for emotional maturity on both sides. Asks for space, for checking in, for curiosity instead of assumption. Asks: “Are you okay?” instead of “You disappeared.”

In alot of my lifetime friendships we can go years without checking in and fall back into step without missing a beat. Why does it work with some and not with others?

______

So What Can We Do Instead?

We can pause.

We can inquire.

We can name the story — and ask if it’s true.

We can say, 

“I noticed you’ve been quiet — are you okay?”

“I’m telling myself a story about this silence. Can we talk?”

“I want to understand, not assume. Can I ask where you’re at?”

To ask instead of assume is a sacred act. It requires vulnerability, courage, and grace. But it is also a portal to deeper connection — and often, unexpected healing.

_______

Soul Reflection & Invitation

If you’ve ever been blamed for pulling away when you were simply trying to hold yourself together — I see you.

If you’ve ever assumed someone stopped caring without asking them — maybe this is an invitation to revisit that moment with softer eyes.

And if you’re in a season of hibernation, heartbreak, or healing… may you be met with more curiosity than accusation.

Also….

Ask yourself, Where have I made meaning without clarity?

Who have I stopped reaching out to because I assumed their silence was rejection?

What wound is being activated when I fill in the blanks with fear.

Can I soften into a space of not knowing — and choose love anyway?

_______

The next time you feel someone has pulled away, ask.

The next time your mind fills in the blanks, pause.

The next time silence speaks louder than words — don’t assume.

Inquire. Open. Reach.

Friendships don’t always knock loud.

Sometimes it whispers from behind a closed door — hoping you’ll be the one to turn the handle.

Assumption is a silent killer of potential.

Of love, of friendship, of deepened understanding.

But it doesn’t have to win.

Truth begins with a question.

Connection begins with an invitation.

Healing begins when we pause the story — and open the door.

You never know what grace is waiting…

on the other side of the assumption.

_______

Journal Prompts for Soul Inquiry

If you’re willing to reflect, here are some gentle ways to bring light to the places where assumption may be ruling the narrative.

Where in my life have I told a story without asking for truth?

What part of me fears rejection or discomfort, and uses assumption as a shield?

Have I expected someone to “just know” what I needed, rather than express it?

Who have I assumed something about — and might I be willing to revisit that with softness?

_______

Personal Note & Reflection from my own heart

This share was born from a few of my own lived experiences — ones that still sit in my heart. Friendships that faded or ended not with words, but with silence… and assumption. 

Some have taken on a look of surface friendships and some have completely slipped away. 

This is the heartbreak of assuming.

It doesn’t ask what’s true — it decides.

And in doing so, it leaves no space for grace.

Let this be a reminder for all of us — there’s always more happening behind the scenes of silence. May we ask, before we conclude. May we soften, before we walk away.

With love and grace,

Patrice aka Lu

_______

Founder of Odyssey Lighthouse